But there was a danger that in her heightened and fragile emotional state that she might have thought that I was having second thoughts about my feelings for her. I gave her another peck on the cheek and opened the front door. This was a turning point for us. I'm sure that she was hoping that at the last moment I would buckle and ask her to stay the night.A look of deep sadness clouded her face as she turned and walked down the path. I waved and she half-heartedly waved back. I closed the door and leant against the wall, I felt awful. I felt bad for Lena and I felt worse about myself. How was I going to keep lust and love separate? I wanted sexual gratification, just that, nothing more. Others, it seemed wanted something more profound, something lasting. I'd have to pick my partners more carefully in future, but just how was I to tell who would be happy with superficial sex, and who would want more.It was a sobering thought that if there was one woman I could have fallen in love. So after work each Thursday evening I would pick up my coffee and walk into the library just after 6 pm. I’d browse the shelves for fifteen minutes or so and pick up a book to read for the next hundred minutes or so. If I enjoyed the book I would put it back on the shelves in some out of the way corner so hopefully, it would be there the following week.The entire west side, a recent extension, of the library was windows, opposite was a couple of shops, and if a book didn’t grab me I would watch the people come and go. It had become almost a ritual for me and gave me time to think on the past weeks ups and downs or just to lose myself in the well worn musty pages for an hour or two. My housemates were curious why I was always late on a Thursday (my phone would also be turned off, of course) but I made the excuse that I didn’t want to be late on Fridays so I put in a couple of extra hours to make sure I got off early for the weekend. This was my little secret haven, my own little piece.
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